When Chuck Norris Does Corporate Accounting

What happens when Chuck Norris takes on the role of internal accountant? Here’s a glimpse into the legendary action star’s life in corporate accounting.

ERP System Mastery

1. When Chuck Norris uses SAP, it stands for “System Adapts to Person.”
2. Chuck Norris doesn’t need user permissions in the ERP system. The system asks permission from Chuck Norris.
3. Chuck Norris never experiences system downtime during month-end close. The system wouldn’t dare go down.
4. When Chuck Norris enters a journal entry, the system creates all supporting documentation automatically.
5. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to wait for the ERP system to process. The ERP system waits for Chuck Norris.

Month-End Close Excellence

6. Chuck Norris closes the books before the month even starts.
7. When Chuck Norris does accruals, expenses accrue themselves out of respect.
8. Chuck Norris’s variance analysis always results in “within budget” – the variances are too afraid to be significant.
9. Chuck Norris never needs to send reminder emails for outstanding items. The items remind themselves.
10. When Chuck Norris reconciles intercompany accounts, they balance on the first try.

Internal Control Supremacy

11. Chuck Norris is the ultimate compensating control.
12. When Chuck Norris implements controls, SOX compliance achieves itself.
13. Chuck Norris doesn’t need segregation of duties. Duties segregate themselves in his presence.
14. Chuck Norris’s control environment is so strong, risk factors eliminate themselves.
15. When Chuck Norris documents processes, flowcharts draw themselves.

Budget Season Dominance

16. Chuck Norris’s budgets are always approved on the first draft.
17. When Chuck Norris creates forecasts, actual results adjust to match them.
18. Chuck Norris doesn’t need rolling forecasts. The future adjusts itself to his expectations.
19. Chuck Norris’s variance explanations are accepted without question.
20. When Chuck Norris presents to the Board, the Board takes notes.

Corporate Politics Navigation

21. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to explain accounting rules to operations. Operations explain them to themselves.
22. When Chuck Norris sends emails, they read themselves.
23. Chuck Norris never needs to chase approvals. Approvals chase Chuck Norris.
24. Chuck Norris’s accounting policies are never questioned by management.
25. When Chuck Norris schedules a meeting, everyone’s calendar automatically clears.

Fixed Asset Management

26. Chuck Norris’s fixed assets never need impairment testing. They wouldn’t dare lose value.
27. When Chuck Norris does inventory counts, items count themselves.
28. Chuck Norris doesn’t track asset movements. Assets report their location to Chuck Norris.
29. Chuck Norris’s depreciation schedules are always perfect. Even for assets that don’t exist yet.
30. When Chuck Norris tags assets, the tags never fall off.

Working with Operations

31. Chuck Norris never has to explain why operations can’t capitalize that expense.
32. When Chuck Norris requests supporting documentation, it materializes instantly.
33. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to attend operations meetings. Operations adjusts its plans to accounting requirements automatically.
34. Chuck Norris’s account coding training sessions have 100% retention rates. Forever.
35. When Chuck Norris implements new procedures, everyone follows them perfectly the first time.

System Implementation

36. Chuck Norris doesn’t need data migration plans. Data migrates itself correctly out of fear.
37. When Chuck Norris tests new systems, bugs fix themselves.
38. Chuck Norris’s chart of accounts is so logical, it explains itself.
39. Chuck Norris doesn’t need system training. Systems train themselves to work with Chuck Norris.
40. When Chuck Norris implements new accounting software, legacy systems retire themselves out of respect.