Best Investment Banker Joke
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Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10.
And, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the City, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
The American Banker and the Mexican
An American investment banker was taking a much-needed vacation in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. The boat had several large, fresh fish in it.
The investment banker was impressed by the quality of the fish and asked the Mexican how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, “Only a little while.” The banker then asked why he didn’t stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican fisherman replied he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.
The American then asked “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
The Mexican fisherman replied, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos: I have a full and busy life, senor.”
The investment banker scoffed, “I am an Ivy League MBA, and I could help you. You could spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat, and with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats until eventually you would have a whole fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to the middleman you could sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You could control the product, processing and distribution.”
Then he added, “Of course, you would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City where you would run your growing enterprise.”
The Mexican fisherman asked, “But senor, how long will this all take?”
To which the American replied, “15-20 years.”
“But what then?” asked the Mexican.
The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You could make millions.”
“Millions, senor? Then what?”
To which the investment banker replied, “Then you would retire. You could move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”
Banker Joke from Tokyo
Following the problems in the financial sector in the US , uncertainty has now hit Japan ….
In the last 7 days the Origami Bank has folded, the Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Now, Mitsubishi Bank has stalled due to excessively high gearing.
Sony Bank have seen a big reduction in volume.
Yesterday, it was announced that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song.
Today, shares in the Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they suddenly nose-dived into the deck, ruining the carrier trade.
Samurai Bank is trying to soldier on following sharp cuts.
Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit and almost turned turtle, but they remain in the black and should survive.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank have got the chop
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Evil Investment Banker Jokes
3 guys walk into a bakery: an investment banker, a government employee, and a social worker.
The lady behind the counter puts out a dozen cookies.
Wall Street pockets 11 and tells the social worker the damn government employee is trying to steal his cookie.
What’s the difference between a tragedy and a catastrophe?
A tragedy is a ship full of bankers going down in a storm; a catastrophe is when they can all swim.
We lend to anyone!
Two bankers are talking:
– “How are you?”
– “Very bad. Completely ruined. I wanted to commit suicide, but I couldn’t do it.”
– “Why don’t you book yourself a contract killer?”
– “How do I do that? I went bankrupt. I have no money.”
– “Don’t worry. I will let you borrow.”
All your accounts are belong to us
A young banker decided to get a tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”
The young man answered “Yes, I did.”
To this the tailor said “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”
The banker stamp joke
Why did the post office have to recall a series of stamps depicting famous bankers? People were confused about which side to spit on.
Einstein’s banker friend
Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. “I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it’s the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others” he is told by the doorman.
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. “See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!”
“That’s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss mathematics!”
“And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!”
“That’s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss physics!”
“And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!”
“That’s wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!”
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert’s hand and shake it. “I’m your last room mate and I’m sorry, but my IQ is only 80.”
Albert smiles back at him and says, “So, where do you think interest rates are headed?”
Investment Bankers against the World Jokes
If a banker and a lawyer were both drowning and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Random Banker Jokes
Hospitals report that the hearts of bankers are in strong demand by transplant patients, because they’ve never been used.
What’s the problem with banker jokes? Bankers don’t think they’re funny, normal people don’t think they’re jokes.
Bankers are people that help you with problems you would not have had without them.
Bankers never die. They just lose interest.
During a bank robbery, the Chief told the Sergeant to cover all exits so that the robbers could not get away.
Sergeant: “Sorry sir but they got away.”
Chief: “I told you to cover all exits, didn’t I?”
Sergeant: – “I did but they got away through the entrance.”
Chuck Norris funds at Libor flat.
If you owe the bank $100, that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.